Congratulations from the New Year’s Regret Collection Agency! You may already be the winner of a brand new year! Your N.Y.R.C.A. agent will collect your regrets on your way into your new set of four seasons. We appreciate your business, and hope you will consider us again this year.

As you begin on this new year’s worth of existence, you will be bombarded by “feel good,” pressured-packed propaganda that speaks of a fresh slate on which you can imprint any new life that you’d like. But we at the N.Y.R.C.A. would like to remind you that New Year’s resolutions are just mean-spirited criticisms meant to change you and your naturally-earned habits.

Instead, why not simply be yourself and once again pay us your regrets at the end of next year?

Happy Nearly New Year: we have agents standing by to take your call.


  1. Jolly good idea. Those recycled regrets that you are accumulating will then be transformed, I am assuming into a big blob of guilt and returned to the regretee for assimilation and ultimately a resource for use as hostility and humour.

  2. Well put, TomM: we haven’t yet, but may consider in the future sprucing up the used regret for sale as a helpful provocation for expression and wit in future. Thank you for the suggestion.

    Meanwhile, Meggles, our apologies for giving you the impression that we think you should discard any “bad” habits that you have worked hard to build. So long as you recognize them as delightful nuances that make you uniquely you, cherish them, we say! But, if you ever find your feelings become troublesome, you know where to find us.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *